Do not be afraid

Over the last few months I think I've thought more about fear and worry than I ever have before.

I've always known about my tendency to worry, although I'm not quite sure I would have characterised it as fear. I don't think I want to consider myself a fearful person but perhaps the truth is that we're all fearful in one way or another and it's what we do with (and despite) our fears that matters most.

I like to think of it as the flip side of being a planner. Before I had J, I worked as a project manager. I was paid to plan projects out, to envisage all the potential problems that could occur, and then to plan and enact mitigation for them before they could derail the project. Sure there were curveballs and unexpected problems would suddenly crop up, but generally there was a way to solve a problem. And if there wasn't, I could escalate it to my manager and then it was no longer my problem, it was her problem.

But the real world isn't really like project management. I can't control the plan. I know there are certain problems that could emerge but until they occur and we can see exactly what the problem is and what possibilities there are, I can't do anything about them.

And actually, living in a situation where you are regularly thinking about what could happen and even mentally planning different responses is exhausting. It breeds fear and worry. This blog is called 'tales of being all there' from a quote by a man called Jim Elliot. He said, "Whatever you do, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." But the truth is, when you are thinking about all the things that could stop you staying in the place you are, when you are planning what might need to happen if you have to move, you are not really 'all there'.

Fear and worry weigh us down like we're in standing in a deep, muddy bog, making every movement ten times as difficult as we try and lift our legs forward one slow step at a time. As Gary Thomas comments in one of his books, when we fear (people, failure, potential problems etc.), we "worry about the evil that might happen, and when we're focused on that, we grow blind to the great good that can result." He continues a few pages on, "the fear of what-ifs has stopped cold more good work than has moral failure. Fear doesn't create scandalous headlines, as moral failure does, but it does just as seriously injure God's work on this earth."

A few months ago, L felt the full force of my fear and worry as late one evening a torrent of 'what-ifs' poured out of me. What if we move and we can't get our residence permits renewed so we can live in our new city while L looks for work there? What if L can't find a job? What if he can't get a work permit in time before our residence permits expire? What if we have to leave the country and can't live here any more?

These are all possible scenarios. But that evening, L spoke truth to me. He reminded me that "in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." As a child of God, whatever happens will work out for my good.

And over the next few weeks and months I've kept thinking about fear and worry. By coincidence, it was a subject we looked at in home group one week. L gave a talk at our weekly Sunday meeting and talked about what we should do when we have difficulties, fears and worries. I've talked about it with friends.

And I've thought a lot about what my favourite book has to say about fear.

I have a confession. When I used to hear people taking verses and, without seemingly much thought or study, applying them straight to their own lives, I inwardly winced. Sometimes I still do. One of the classic verses that many people apply straight to their own lives is this: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I used to think the people who Instagrammed that verse, quoted it freely and even had it tattooed on themselves needed to work some more on their Word-handling skills. Didn't they know that it was a specific promise given to a specific person at a specific time? You can't just take it straight out of context and apply it to your own life, you have to think about what it meant to Joshua (to whom it was given), what the original hearers were intended to understand, how we can apply it to our lives today.

Now I wince at my own pride and sense of superiority. Yes we do have to examine the context and need to be careful about how we apply the Word to our lives today (and some verses more than others are taken out of context). But the take-home point of the verse above is that we should be strong and courageous because God is with us. Think about it for a second, it's easy to skip over it as a familiar platitude. The Lord is with us. That doesn't mean things will always work out how we want them to or that we will have victories as spectacular as Joshua's. But the phrase 'do not be afraid' appears many times in the Word. And the focus, like Joshua 1:9, is always on God's character.

And God's character does not change. He is just as good, all-powerful, unchanging, trustworthy, compassionate, loving and kind now as he was in Joshua's day. And he always will be. So we can trust in him, that he is active and working in this world and there is nothing that he is not using for the benefit of those who love him.

So last night, when I read some new information about residence permit rules and requirements, when I was tempted to worry and fear for our future here, I shifted my focus away from all the possibilities of what might happen and turned to the Word. And I slept in peace (at least until S woke) because my God who is sovereign over kings and nations, over wars and earthquakes, is also sovereign over bureaucracy and civil servants and job applications.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

May goings-on

This blog has been a bit neglected recently. Life has been busy! Here's some of what has been going on with us:

For most of our time here, L and I have split our language learning time pretty much 50:50. He's looked after the boys in a morning while I've worked, then we've swapped, then vice versa the next day. That sort of thing. About 8-10 weeks ago we decided that, for several reasons, it was time to change our routine. Now, L is usually free to work from 9-5 each week day, apart from when my language helper is here and sometimes he watches the boys. I fit hours in more flexibly, in part because I have more Turkish-speaking social activities in a day. I often work 8-9am while L looks after J and S, my language helper comes a couple of afternoons a week, I meet with some friends to study our favourite book together each week in Turkish, I work some evenings and I'm currently going to a weekly evening course on worldviews that is in Turkish. So we've been adapting to this new rhythm of life.

And then while we've been adapting to our new routine, everything got thrown out of sync for a month while L did his CELTA English teaching course. The CELTA course is a four week long, well respected and internationally recognised qualification for English teaching - that is also well known for its intensity. L finished the course last Friday and got his provisional result back yesterday, he passed with a Pass B grade, which is like passing with merit.

In addition, during that same month, L also gave a talk at one of our Sunday gatherings. He'd prepared it and had it checked earlier, but he still had to go over it multiple times before giving it. Nevertheless he did really well (at both giving the talk and with his course) and seems to have taken really naturally to English teaching. I, on the other hand, have learned from L's course that I never want to formally teach English as a foreign language!

And in amongst all of that, J has started dropping his daily nap and S has been learning to walk. We've been starting to make preparations and pack some boxes ready for emptying our flat and putting all of our belongings in storage (just over 3 weeks until the removal company comes!) and also making plans for when we're back in the UK.

However, if you asked J what's been going on he would probably give you different answers. He'd tell you that the other day he went to the park at the Zorlu shopping centre and played in the sand with his friends' diggers and dumper trucks. That when my language helper comes she's been reading books in Turkish about Thomas the Tank Engine to him, and sometimes he's even allowed to watch Thomas the Tank Engine in Turkish. He'd tell you that he saw diggers and two steamrollers on the way to the park last week and that the greengrocer that we pass on the way home from the park gave him two cherries this morning and that yesterday his friends came to our house to play. And that soon we're going to go to England and stay with Granny and Grandpa and they have a black dog and a garden with a trampoline and we'll eat fish and chips. And after that we'll go and stay with Papa S and Gilly B and go and play on the beach and go in Papa S's boat.

The world must seem simpler when you're not quite three years old!